When the light starts to fade on one’s unique journey which has doubtless been marked by tumultuous times and all the vicissitudes of youthful exuberance; we at last fall back to the jester that is memory to regale us with tales of days gone past. Some recollections are garnished with enough salt to make shark infested waters seem fresh. Yet that does not prevent us from being spellbound in the telling.
There are some events whose telling is exciting, grand and explosive, creating scenes of heroic exploits for the main characters – ourselves. These scenes are herculean feats to our time ravaged bodies, and we tend to wonder whereupon we got the strength to perform such acts of valor; when we were able to leap, jump and run without worry about the strain on our muscles.
Now getting up from bed without any aches is a huge achievement. There are particular aches that we have nursed from infancy and have passed the stage of adulthood but just won’t take the plunge to leave home. When we don’t feel them, we wonder what’s missing and when they return there is a sense of comfort fashioned after the Stockholm syndrome. Taking long walks is not just a convenient way to steal a moonlight kiss from your love, but offers you an opportunity for exercise without having to feel small about it, especially when the definition of a long walk decreases to less than mile.
Where before we used to waste time sitting on the couch flicking through TV channels, now we are more concerned about how we occupy our time. Before we were less concerned about what we ate so long as it tasted good, we indulged our numerous cravings, and the only way we could make the size of our food portion seem small was if the dining table was a part of the plate. Now the morsel which is the epitome of our sustenance has been dissected and analyzed to such a degree that before we are done explaining it, there is no recollection of what was said in its beginning... so many calories of this, poly saturates, poly un-saturates, fatty acids, antacids, electrolytes, glucose, sucrose, lactose, proteins, carbohydrates, I’m sure we may even get an indication of the contribution to white blood cells strength from that morsel of food called a Greek salad.
We choose the books we read, the shows we watch, and the company we keep carefully; they may just be the last. We have less time to indulge people with destructive tendencies and even less room for making let alone learning from our mistakes. We are more patient with the young when they display signs of pomposity and obnoxiousness; we realize that in-order to learn they must attend the class and in making mistakes they sign on for that particular class. This is the good half that memory serves us with, to realize our present strength when matched against former strength, to realize our past deficiencies when matched against the harvest of wisdom from the lessons afforded through time.
However, there are some poignant moments which the relief provided by time has been like a balm to an open wound. There are no scenes in these flashbacks to revel in; it would seem that each flash back is like a dagger to the skin, pressing just enough to draw blood yet not enough to damage muscle. Those painful or traumatic moments which forgetting would be the sundering of chains of slavery; if possible, one would race to the operating table to permit a surgical scalpel to gouge from one’s brain and discard just to overcome the pain felt when the memory pops, like the sound of corn in hot oil, to mind.
As the sun sets in this unforgettable chapter by virtue of memory, we know that those who have directed hurt and pain towards us don’t need our forgiveness in as much as we need to forgive them. We need to let go of the pain and not nurse it to fine health. We need to let go of hurt and not allow it to fester to birth thoughts of hatred and revenge which brings us down to the depths and not up to the heights. When someone has hurt you and you want and need to forgive them you start from attempting to understand what drove them to do what they did. Once understanding is reached forgiveness is a small step away. Most of us don’t have a problem with this part.
The problem we often face is learning how to forget. How does one go about forgetting something that left an indelible mark on their very soul? The task or trial becomes one of expunging one’s memory. You may have forgiven the person but every now and again that memory crops up which impinges the trust you are building to leave you doubt ridden.
You then conclude that the happiest person in the world must be one without memory. Everything is new to them. Dreams are new, daylight is new, the world is new, taste is new, running and the feel of the wind on one’s face is new, even darkness is new, every creature one encounters is new. In fact they view the world with the eyes and mind of a child just as Christ proclaimed – “..I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”. There is no harvest of bad thoughts or actions to reap. There is no anxiety over the future or regret and repentance over the past. Many of us because of the trials we face are caught up living not in the present, but in memory and anticipation (i.e. the past or the future).
Without memory we are bound to make the same mistakes we did in the past to create an endless cycle without any hope of escape. Memory is both the subject of our happiness and the object of our unhappiness. This in itself is not surprising given what we know from the birth of trials in the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Yet when we delve deeper, we realize it is our opinion of the knowledge stored in memory which gives it shades of happiness or sadness. Whatever happened, happened, if we were to leave the knowledge unaltered and untainted by our opinion on it, wherein would lie the trial?
My nephew once asked, “how does one remain humble in the face of success?” It was a timely question especially as I had spent time meditating on the trial of memory. The moment he asked I realized that God had provided me with the clue to what had been troubling me in the search for truth that gains release from the prison of pain and ignorance. The easiest and most efficient way of remaining humble in the face of success is to always remember the times when you experienced lack. The only way to prevent one from lording over others when in a seemingly exalted state is to rely on memory, to recall how far God has taken you and how He holds you still. This is the ordained role of memory which helps to keep our focus on the truth, that without God we are Lost.
“In Loving Remembrance of Martha & Mduduzi Fuzwayo, may your light never dim in my memory!”